The Walk of Faith

This summer, I am reading through Steve Shadrach's The God Ask and working through the support development devotional in the back of the book. It's only Day One, and God is already pressing His finger down on parts of my character that He wants to work on. He's persistent, that's for sure.

Today, the devotional asked, "What uncertainties do you have? Ask God to guide you over these perceived obstacles."

Uncertainties? Uh... yes! Oh boy, Steve, you unleashed the beast with this one.

But first, don't get me wrong, I believe that support development is biblical, and that it is a ministry that God has called me to in addition to the campus. I have seen God work so much in and through my partners. I have seen incredible stories of people giving sacrificially, and God using my story to inspire others. I love praying for them and sharing what God is doing in my ministry so that they too can pray. I wouldn't give up support development for a salary. I would only do so if God called me to do something else.

But I still have worries. I still fear the unknown. I still struggle believing that I can live this way for the long haul. I fear that 100% will always be elusive, that support will be a battle to fight for the rest of my life. And to be honest, I'm tired. I want this to be easy. I want to be comfortable. I want to live in peace, not fight a war.

After pouring out my worries before the Lord in my journal (I wrote quite a bit more, but I'll spare you the details!), I read the Scripture that went along with the devotional:

"...for we walk by faith not by sight..."

(2 Corinthians 5:7)

That's it. Just eight words to combat my long list of worries. Just one abnormally short verse to address the diverse spectrum of my uncertainties. That's it, God? Really?

He responded to me first with silence. But I could practically see the raised eyebrow and knowing look on His face. That look spoke volumes.

Yes, really, Madison.

Ok, so you're saying, trust You, and lean not on my own understanding. Trust You in all that I do, and You will be faithful. But, to be honest, this truth feels superficial in comparison to the deep uncertainties I am carrying. Yes, that's all fine and dandy, God, but this life is hard. Being sustained by support is hard. Living like this for a long time is going to be hard. I can live by faith for a season, but eventually, I want to move on to the comfortable life. Eventually, I want security. Eventually, I want to "make it." Eventually, I want my walk with You to be easy.

I heard Him laugh softly.

I did not say faith was easy, my daughter. It is hard to be sure, but I have called you to live by it. Not just now, not just in support, but for the rest of your life.

At first, this was not comforting. For the rest of my life? That's a hard pill to swallow.

But the wheels in my head started turning. God knows that it is hard to walk a path that I cannot see. He is not a distant Father, expecting me to easily stroll though the obstacles of this life without fear, worry, or doubt. He came to this world Himself, and He carried the same burdens that weigh me down. God's soft whisper silenced the roar of my fears: I know that it's hard. I've walked that path. And now, I am walking it with you.

Before Jesus sent the disciples out, He warned them of the troubles they will face. People will deliver you before the courts, flog you, and drag you before the rulers to bear witness to My Name. You will be betrayed by your closest friends and family, and you will be persecuted and put to death. The people hated Me, so also will you be hated by all because of Me. But, "the one who endures until the end will be saved" (Matthew 10:22b).

We carry that same legacy as Christians. If we claim to follow Christ, then we can expect these same things, these hard things. We can expect to be hated, persecuted, beaten, betrayed, and even put to death. As a result of our hardships, others will tell us to "curse God and die," just as they told Job. The trials and the voices will tempt us to doubt God's goodness and faithfulness. They will tempt us to doubt that He loves us.

With these temptations, each step becomes heavy. Each step is blind to what it might encounter. Each step forward is countered by a thousand thoughts screaming to turn back. With each step forward, you wonder, will this be the last one? Is the end near? But then you take another. And another. And then you start to realize, there is no end. There are always more steps.

But the one who endures until the end will be saved.

You see, faith is a journey, not a one-time experience. It is a manner of traveling, not a season of life. It is like breathing - you don't have a choice. You must exercise it. If you chose to follow Christ, this is the life you chose for yourself. A life of uncertainties. A life of unseen paths. A life of trials. A life of difficulties. But at the end of it all, it is a life that says in every circumstance, good or bad, "Jesus, I trust You."

Saving faith is sustained faith. It doesn't end when you choose to accept Christ at the moment you first believed. God will always give you more steps to take. There is no arriving. There is no end in this life. You can expect to walk by faith until the day you die or the day Christ returns. You must learn to endure until the end.

So, embrace the journey. The best stories are the ones with the greatest trials, the most impossible circumstances, the most profound changes in character. God is the Author of Life. He is writing the greatest story ever told, and He has chosen you to be a part of it. But just as characters in great stories must journey through dark paths, you too can be confident that your walk will not be easy.

God will not allow you to be comfortable. He will not allow you to squander your life with easy living. He will not let you settle for playing in the mud when He was prepared paradise for you. He has much too great of a story to tell, and He has much too glorious of a work to accomplish in you. Don't be scared. The path God has set before you is indeed too much for you to handle, but He will carry you each step of the way.

For me, in this season, this means that I will endure in my support development. There is no guarantee of stability. There is no guarantee that I will stay at 100% support without a hiccup. There is no guarantee that this potentially lifelong journey of raising support will be easy. In fact, I can expect it to be hard.

But  I will continue the two-thousand-year legacy of living by faith that has been passed down to me by my brothers and sisters in Christ. I will continue to take the heavy steps of faith, knowing that God carries me and that He understands the weight of this life. I will press on each day, trudging along, knowing that each step forward means that I am but one closer to my ultimate goal: eternity with my Savior.

For that, I will endure.

Blessings,

Maddie

He is Near

"And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us..."

Acts 17:26-27

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Too Near to be Coincidence

Do you ever have those moments where God does something so miraculous that you can't possibly take credit for the outcome? A time where your abilities and talents were so insufficient that God had to intervene on your behalf? A situation where so many moments and details aligned too perfectly to attribute it simply to chance?

I love these moments. I love unexplainable coincidences. I love perfect timing. I love intricately woven details that fit together effortlessly, collectively telling God's grand story. He is a master Author, a flawless Painter, a perfect Sculptor, using us - His small works-in-progess - to create a masterpiece of a story.

Yet, most of all, I love that these experiences show us that God intervenes our lives - today. He cares too much to remain at a distance, watching His children stumble around in darkness and chaos, unable to find the light. He delights redirecting us and guiding us - the characters in His story. He cherishes putting trials in front of us that test our character - challenging it and refining it.

God is not content to be far off. He desires to be near. And even more so, God desires to demonstrate His nearness to us -  His sinful but redeemed people.


Too Miraculous to be Ordinary

As a child, and even into my teenage years, I was a painfully shy person. I never initiated conversations with my peers. Adults scared the living daylights out of me. I hardly ever opened my life up to people outside of my family. When I switched elementary schools between 3rd and 4th grade, I would play sick multiple times a week to escape the trauma of making friends. Eventually, the nurses caught on, picked a girl from my class, brought her to me, and told me, "Here. This is Michelle. She can be your friend. It's time for you to learn to stay in school."

Public speaking terrified me. I was always the last to volunteer to give presentations in class in high school. I would try to volunteer to go first, to will myself to just get up and get it out of the way. But, inevitably, I was always the last to speak, and even more depressing, my presentations were awkward and painful to watch.

In college, classes that required participation were my downfall. I hated the professors that demanded I share my opinions. I willingly took lower grades in courses if it meant I could avoid speaking up in class. I was paralyzed by silence, too afraid to say something that someone could challenge, too scared to possibly be wrong in front of so many eyewitnesses. I wanted to keep myself locked away and safe where no one could see my flaws. I wanted to remain hidden, an invisible wallflower.

I forget that this used to be me, the person I was before God called me and made me His own, before He changed me. I forget that public speaking used to provoke me to fear. I forget that making new friends was a skill completely foreign to me. I forget that I was so terrified of being vulnerable and risking people seeing my flaws and my brokenness.

I forget these things because today, I stood in front of thirty people and spoke, not of far off things, things that were impersonal. No, I stood in front of thirty strangers and handed my heart to them. I revealed my deepest passions and some of my greatest pains.

And although I stood before this crowd completely exposed, I did not encounter fear but found complete peace. Today, the sufficiency of Christ was made perfect in my weakness.

I can only attribute this to God. Today, His Holy Spirit removed me from the equation and anointed me with His words to speak. How else can you explain how a shy person can confidently stand before strangers with her heart on her sleeve proclaiming the goodness of God?

God intervened to change me. He challenged me to the core of my character. He spoke through me by His great power and grace.

All in all, God drew near to me to make a miracle happen. In a great act of love, He drew near and transformed me.


Too Connected to be Chance

If this transformation isn't enough to point to the glory of God, then the rippling effect of His work most certainly can.

I spoke my story today, and my single story spoke in countless ways to its hearers.

I spoke of being a recent psychology graduate. Two women came to me saying that they have daughters who recently graduated as psychology majors, and they felt as though they could adopt me as their own.

I spoke of being a campus missionary. A woman approached me saying that her husband works at a university here in the Valley and that they have been looking for a way to connect and serve college students. She now is excited to plug in to volunteer with our ministry to reach students with the gospel.

I spoke of dozens of college students coming hungry for the Word on Thursday nights. A woman came to me feeling called to provide a home-cooked meal for our students on a Thursday so that they can be fed physically as well as spiritually.

I shared the story of my friend who shared the gospel with me and how the reason she herself became a Christian was because, as a nonbeliever, she started dating a believer. A mother walked up to me saying that her daughter started dating a non-Christian. She is now completely confident that God is going to save this boy.

I spoke of how the vast majority of Christians leave the faith during their college years. A mother approached me saying that her son was, sadly, a member of this statistic. She has hope that someday he will be a part of the few that return.

I shared my testimony of how God saved me and how He called me to full-time ministry. A young woman approached me with wide eyes, shocked that everything I shared resonated with her own life. We have plans to meet, so I can hear and be encouraged by her story too.

I spoke that following Christ means surrendering everything you are to become like Him. A young mother came to me saying that she wants her 11-year-old son to meet me, so he can see what real Christianity looks like and that he too would be inspired to be radically obedient to Christ in his own life.


These are but some of the moments I experienced today. My single story sparked thousands of others to connect with my own. They are perfectly timed, skillfully woven details that together tell a grander story.

They tell us that God is near to all of us. These intricately strung together stories could only be made possible if God came down from His throne to intervene in our lives. He showed up in a very real way in these moments ordained and planned only by Him.

Today, God showed me how involved He chooses to be in my life. In all of these stories and in all of the transformation performed in my life, God demonstrated His nearness. And in his nearness, God proved just how much He loves me - loves all of us as His beloved, adopted children. He loves us enough to come near to each one of us.

He is good, my friends. So, incredibly good. His ways are higher than all of us. Never forget that He is near.



Many blessings,


Maddie

"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you."

James 4:8

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The Heart of the Matter

The longer I am alive, the more I am understanding that the Christian life is not one of journeying farther but of digging deeper.

When we begin our walk with God, we think that we have so much to learn. So many pages of Scripture to read. So many theological discussions to have. So many different "how-to's" to learn. We spend so much time collecting knowledge that we end up drowning in it.

I'm slowly understanding that there is only one truth. Only one important message for us to hold fast to. The endless applications of this truth only trick us into believing that there is more to learn. But at the end of the day, there is still only the one truth.

This truth is the gospel.

We have all done things to deserve death - a spiritual death - one of eternal separation from God. But Jesus Christ lived the life we could never live and died this death that we all deserve. His substitutionary death paid for our lives. The veil is torn, and nothing can separate us from enjoying a relationship with God both now and forever.

The amazing thing is that Jesus' sacrificial death is a free gift to us all.

This is grace.



Grace is something that I deeply struggle with. I see it revealed to me over and over again in God's Word, and I understand it in my head. I understand it enough to speak it into the lives of those around me, and I understand it enough to be able to show it to them as well.

But I just can't seem to extend it to myself.

The person I was before God called me out of this world was a girl who earned her identity and the love of those around her. I earned my grades in high school. I earned a starter position on the water polo team. I earned my parents love by being a good kid and doing well in school. I earned my friends by doing whatever I needed to do to please them - to get them to like me. Everything in my life was earned.

I was living in a moral economy. Do good, and you'll receive good. Do bad, and good will be stripped from you.

The message that I received from the world was this: love is earned.

But then I encountered Jesus, and He had a very different message to give to me, one that He has not stopped whispering to my heart since the first day I met Him.

He preached to me something that was radical to my soul. He told me that love is not earned, it is given.

Maddie, you can do nothing to deserve My love for you because I have given it to you freely. You have worked for everything in your life, but this is the one thing you never can and never will earn.

This blows my heart and mind, and I can't fully understand it. I feel like it is too good, so good that I can barely get a grasp on it. God loves me. Period. There is no fine print, no strings attached, no exchange rate. It is simply a gift bought for me by Jesus.

I didn't realize how much I was striving to earn God's love until I started this journey of support development. I started this journey believing that if I could just make phone calls and set up appointments that I would get to full support and be on campus full-time in a matter of months.

But I soon found that even the simplest task of making a phone call was too difficult for me. I've had a fear of the phone ever since I was a little girl. My mom would tell me that I could invite a friend over to play if I was brave enough to call them myself. I would dial all the numbers up until the last one, hesitate for a moment, and then quickly hang up. This dialing and hanging up process would go on for hours before I would finally throw in the towel and just settle for being alone than dealing with my fear.

That same fear continued throughout my life and continues today. I thought I would just get over it when starting support raising. But often, I tear up just at the idea of making a single phone call. Forget the fact that I have to make 30 every week. Just the one is enough to send me into a panic.

On top of this, I also found that although I had all the time in the world to raise support, I couldn't will myself to use my time wisely. I dread sitting down to organize my contact list. I dread sitting in front of a phone waiting to be dialed. I dread the mundane administrative tasks that go into support raising.

Netflix is much more fun. Reading a book is much more relaxing. Spending time with the Lord is more important. I'll meet a friend instead of making those phone calls. It is easy to find a long list of things that take precedence over the dreaded phone calls.

I quickly found that my ability was not going to get me fully supported. I could do nothing to earn my wages. My weaknesses and my fears were a stumbling block to my self-righteousness. I could not boast in my efforts because my lack of progress showed that I earned nothing.

For a while, this left me feeling frustrated, and even worse, it left me feeling guilty. I kept saying to myself that I should be able to do this. I should be able to organize my time better. I should be able to dial a phone. I should be able to get to full support. I should be able to do these simple things.

I felt like a horrible person, like a failure. I felt like I was letting people down: my boss, my supervisor, my friends, my mentors, my current supporters. Even worse, I felt like I was letting God down. I felt like I wasn't living up to His calling for my life and that I was failing Him in my inabilities.

As I carried the burden of this guilt, God reached down and reminded me of that single truth once again. In the midst of my guilt and shame, God preached the gospel to me.

I know that you can't do this. But I can.

And you know what I felt in that moment? Not more guilt. Not more shame. Not a greater desire to try harder or be better.

No, I felt freedom.

I felt like I could cease striving. That I could stop working. That I could stop pretending. That I could own up to my imperfections.

Because God is so good, so great, so loving, so incredible. He is all of these things for me.

I am weak, but He is strong. I am flawed, but He is perfect. My effort isn't going to get me to full support - His grace is. Just as my self-righteousness isn't going to save me - His Son is.

God is cleansing me from self-righteousness and self-sufficiency. He is leading me into depths of grace that I didn't even know existed. He is forcing me to be dependent on Him for things that I always thought I could do myself.

This isn't a new truth. It's a deeper layer of the same truth. It's an application of the gospel to another area of my life. I'm realizing that as long as God allows me to remain here on this earth, my life will be nothing but this: endlessly preaching the gospel to myself in every new situation He sets before me.

It keeps me rooted in the one truth. It keeps me remembering why I exist. It reminds me of my hope.

Him.

Jesus.



At the beginning of this journey, I thought that God was going to teach me about how to raise support, how to reach college students, how to do ministry. I thought that support was going to teach me about money, help pay the bills, help challenge others to give.

But as my best friend and roommate wisely put it today, "Support development is about the heart, not the bank account."

This whole journey hasn't been about the ministry or the support development. It has always been about my heart. These things are simply the tools in God's hands that He is using to chisel away at my sin to reveal the masterpiece that is underneath.

God is after my heart. He's after all of our hearts. He is after them to soften them, to change them, to show us just how deep His love is for us.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:14-21

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for the freedom you have purchased for me, for all of us. Let us never stop preaching this good news to ourselves. Thank you for that one truth goes infinitely deep. Instead of drowning in knowledge, let us drown in the gospel.



Many blessings,

Maddie

Finding Ministry in Support Development

 "And you Philippians yourselves know that in the beginning of the gospel, when I left Macedonia, no church entered into partnership with me in giving and receiving, except you only. Even in Thessalonica you sent me help for my needs once and again. Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that increases your credit."

Philippians 4:15-17

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It has been a very crazy month to say the least.

Balancing support development, seminary, and ministry responsibilities can be tricky, especially for a procrastinator who is still learning the in's and out's of time management. Yet for whatever reason, God believes I can handle it, and I believe that He will never give me more than I can handle. That's the beauty of grace. It gives me room to stumble as I navigate learning to be more like Christ.


Support development, as always, is at the forefront of my radar. As much as I would like to, I cannot avoid it. It is necessary for me to continue to live. It pays my rent, my food, my gas, my bills. It will free me up to be able to devote myself solely to collegiate ministry and to someday be able to be on campus sharing with the gospel with students daily. If this wasn't motivating enough, I have a team of people who personally hold me accountable as I continue to strive for that elusive 105% support mark.

So, in short, I'm locked in. Whether I like it or not, this is the life that God has called me to.

It is tempting to say that support development is a "necessary evil." So many people, even the ones that do it, see it as such. It is seen as nothing more than an obstacle to overcome before you can begin the "real work" of ministry. Once you arrive at full support, then you have made it, then you can begin, then you can start walking out God's call for your life.

Others get wrapped up in the numbers. Support raising pays the bills. Support raising pays for ministry expenses. Support raising pays my salary. Support raising just allows me to survive until God calls me home.

But I think there is danger in viewing support as such. When you view it as an obstacle or a way to pay the bills, you miss out on kingdom work God wants to accomplish. I believe that there is ministry in support raising that we can miss out on if we're not careful.



Paul lived off the gifts he received from the people he ministered to. He was only a "tentmaker" at specific points in his ministry for intentional purposes. Otherwise, he received his wages from those who joyfully wanted to give to him. He believed that "the Lord commanded that those who proclaim the gospel should get their living by the gospel" (1 Corinthians 9:14).

In particular, Paul praises the Philippians for their generosity towards him. But his thankfulness is not for the gifts in of themselves. Paul does not care about the money. He has learned to be content in whatever he has:

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"...for I have learned in whatever situation, I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:11-13

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Paul didn't desire their gifts. It didn't matter if he was full or hungry. It didn't matter if he was out preaching the gospel or writing to churches in prison. In whatever situation, plenty or nothing, praise or persecution, he was content. He learned to be joyful in all circumstances through the power of the cross.

So then why is he thankful? If his concern wasn't wages or gifts, then what was it?

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"Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that increases to your credit."

Philippians 4:17

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He doesn't seek the gift. He seeks the evidence of people growing in their love for the Lord. He seeks the fruit that indicates that true disciples of Jesus Christ are being made. His desire is to see change happen in people's hearts.

Paul is not saying that the Philippians are earning their salvation by giving. Far from it. People are saved by the grace of God through the blood of Jesus Christ. "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God" (Ephesians 2:8). Salvation is never earned. It is given.

But the generosity of the Philippians indicates that their faith is genuine. It is evidence that they are "working out their salvation with fear and trembling" (Philippians 2:12). They were saved by grace, and their works are simply external evidence of an internal heart change.

This is the ministry of support development. When you invite someone to partner with you in your ministry, you challenge them to step out in faith to give beyond what they believe they are able. You encourage them to freely give as they have freely received from God. You give them an opportunity to cultivate a spirit of generosity in their hearts. You give them a chance to invest in God's eternal kingdom. And if they respond, you get to see people change and become more like Christ right before your very eyes.

Jesus sacrificed everything in dying on the cross for us. He gave His life to see ours made new. He did not withhold anything but instead completely poured Himself out to save us from eternal separation from God. In His death, Jesus gave.

Every time you give, you display the gospel. Giving your time, money, gifts, and talents to another is a sacrifice that points to the cross. You sacrifice because Christ sacrificed. You give everything because Christ gave everything. You do not withhold because Christ did not withhold anything from you.

Yes, God has called me to collegiate ministry, and someday, I will be able to do that fully and completely. But as I continue to run the race towards full support, I realize that I have an additional calling, another incredibly important ministry.

God has called me to challenge His children to give. He has called me to encourage His people to live by faith and trust that He will honor their sacrifice. He has called me to remind His people that He is the Provider, and if they trust Him, He will meet all of their needs.

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"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:19

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You would think the Philippians would have written those words to Paul, but the opposite is true. Paul, the one who has needs and lives off the gifts of others, reminds the givers that God will supply their needs. We should always give, even beyond what we believe we are able, because God will provide more than we can ever ask or think. We need to give and discover that God always provides for His children. Always.

Every time I gain a new supporter, I won't rejoice in the gift. I am not near full support, and yet, each month, I have seen God provide for all of my needs. There is no joy in the gifts in of themselves.

Instead, every time I gain a new supporter, I will rejoice in the fruit being produced in that person's life. I will praise God that His people are becoming more like His Son. I will praise Him because genuine disciples of Jesus are being made.

I have already seen this happening in my support team.

The most profound support appointment I have had to date was with a woman from my church. I had no idea what her financial situation was, but I knew that she had kind and cheerful spirit. I chose to call her because she seemed like she would at least say yes to an appointment.

She agreed to meet with me, and as soon as we got talking, we couldn't stop. Our stories resonated with one another. We both grew up with strong Catholic backgrounds, both became believers at older ages, and both have huge hearts for young women to come to know the redeeming love of Christ.

I shared my testimony of coming to know the Lord while in college, and my calling to reach young women who are lost on campus just like I once was. It was then I noticed a shift in the mood of the room. I felt something in her heart start to change.

We reached a point where it was finally time for me to make the ask, to see if she would want to partner with me in the my ministry to lost women at ASU. And as I asked, tears started to pour down her face.

It was then that I learned that she was currently living off of disability, and recently, the money being sent to her had been dramatically reduced. She was living off the bare minimum to survive. In fact, she had just had to ask her parents pay for her electricity because the checks were not enough to cover all of her expenses.

"But I believe in what you are doing, Madison," she said, tears still welling up in her eyes. "I wonder how things would have been different for me if someone like you had been reaching out to me when I was in college. I know it's not much, but I would like to support you at $10 a month."

My heart broke. Here is a woman who has very little, but God's work in my life stirred her heart and challenged her to sacrificially give to see His kingdom come. I saw the fruit of her faith ripen in front of my very eyes. Seeing that fruit grow was the greatest gift I could have received.

This is why I raise support. I get to watch people grow before my very eyes. I get to watch as people step out in faith to give as I step out in faith to ask. I get to watch as disciples are born and made - both on campus and on my support team.

This is the ministry of support development: discipleship.

It is hard work, yes. But every time a soul gives their life to Christ, every time people choose God over sin, every time a person steps out in faith to give, every time fruit is produced, we are but one step closer to God's kingdom coming.

And I would say, that makes it all worth it.

Blessings,

Maddie

At your worst, God gives His best.

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 5:8 (NASB)

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I want to own up to something.

I've been slacking on my support development. Like, really slacking. I haven't had an appointment in almost two weeks.

Not good, Maddie. Not good at all.

I can give many excuses, but all of them are pitiful. I've been managing my time very poorly. I've allowed the stresses of seminary to overtake my thoughts and my time. I've procrastinated and filled my time with everything other than phone calls. Worst of all, I've allowed fear to cripple me.

The fear doesn't come from not believing God will provide. I believe that He can, He will, and He wants to. I've seen it already, and I'm confident He'll see me through to the end. 

No, instead, I fear that I will let God down. I fear that I will not live up to His expectations. I fear that I will not live up to His calling of me. I fear that He will provide, but I won't deserve a penny of it. I fear that I will fail Him.

Somehow, I've racked up all of this fear, and I haven't even started yet.

Go figure.

Satan will make you believe all sorts of things if you aren't careful.

I haven't done anything to raise support for a while. I haven't picked up the phone once or sat in an appointment in weeks. I haven't brainstormed more people to contact, and I haven't been praying as much I should be. I have literally done nothing. My support development has come to a grinding halt.

But even though I have done nothing, God isn't content to let me stay at a standstill. His will is not hindered by my disobedience or my sin. He will accomplish what He needs to accomplish in His timing in spite of me.

That being said, I experienced grace in the most amazing way today.

I checked my email, and do you want to know what I found?

Someone had given me a gift of $1000.

I saw this and cried. I cried for about twenty minutes. I fell on my face before the Lord and simply wept. I was speechless. I hadn't done anything to earn this gift. I had literally done nothing. But there it was staring at me in the face.

$1000.

The crazy thing is that the person who gave was well aware of my poor effort. I had been honest with him about my shortcomings, and he had been honest with me that it was time for me to step it up. It was time for me to manage my time better, to cut out the unnecessary distractions out of my life, to take support development seriously.

And then, unbeknownst to me, he went on to my support page later that day and gave me that gift.

Even though he knew that I had procrastinated, even though he knew that I had managed my time poorly, even though he knew that I was struggling, he gave.

This is grace.

Grace is receiving something you do not deserve. Grace is being given something that you didn't do a single thing to earn. Grace is something that no matter how hard you try, you can't earn.

This is the gospel.

We, in our sin, have earned the wrath of God for our disobedience. We have destroyed this world we live in. We have beaten and destroyed one another. We have wandered far from home and done things to destroy ourselves. Most of all, we have inflicted pain on the Father who so graciously gave us life.

But while we were yet in our sin, Jesus walked to His death. He was beaten, bruised, bloodied, and crucified for us. On that cross, He experienced the eternal wrath of God for all of us. On that cross, he became a curse for us because He was the only One who could take it. He willingly took the punishment we had earned for ourselves to give us unwarranted and undeserved life.

And He gave us this grace not when we were having a good day. It wasn't when we were loving people unconditionally, serving the needy, reading our Bibles, or praying to Him faithfully.

No, Jesus died when we denied Him, mocked Him, spat on His face, and rejected Him. He forgave us as we raised up the hammer to nail Him to the cross. He sacrificed Himself for us as we were crying out for Him to be crucified.

I experienced but a shadow of this today. When I did nothing to earn support, God gave me support.

But even more so, when I least deserved grace, Jesus died to give me grace.

God is going to get me to 100 percent support, and the crazy thing is, I can do absolutely nothing to earn it.

When I am having a good day, He is working to get me there.

When I am having a bad day, He is working to get me there.

No matter what I do, I will get there by grace and grace alone.

I am drowning in grace. I can do nothing but stand in awe of the One who gave everything simply to have me. He loved me when I was His enemy. And He continues to love me when I am at my worst. I can't even begin to explain a love like that.

I am speechless.

 

But oh, what a wonderful Savior.

Blessings,

Maddie

Wait

There is a way that seems right to man, but its end is the way of death.

Proverbs 14:12

Waiting is hard, especially when you see God moving around you in powerful ways. Why wouldn't you want to jump headfirst into something that has God's hand written all over it? Ministry excites us. Changed lives move us. God's work brings us joy. It's His way of building our faith and willing our hearts to love Him more.

Changed lives are the essence of stories, and each one of us has an untold story in our hearts dying to be told. Every time we hear a story, it inspires us to want to be a part of the next one, whether it be as the protagonist or as a minor character.

The truth is this: we want our lives to be incredible stories, stories that are worth being told, stories that are written by the King of the universe.

Last night, our ministry did nearly a whole semester's worth of planning. We planned our events for the beginning of the school year, our small group locations, our roles, all of it. God is orchestrating all of the details to fall into place perfectly despite our shortcomings.

God has a big plan for our campus this year, and He has blessed each one of us to be a part of it. He is in the process of writing a story of legends. A huge battle is going to be fought at our campus this year, and God is going to be the victor.

Even so, I am struggling. Exciting things are happening all around me, but God's answer to me is to wait.

"I want to help lead a bible study."

Wait.

"Can I help at that event?"

Wait.

"What about this idea...?"

Wait.

God's role for me in this story is not as a major character. I don't even think it's even as a minor character. No, I think God is asking me to do something difficult and to simply be the reader, the spectator, the bystander. He simply wants me to watch the story unfold in front of my eyes.

This is hard.

It is taking every ounce of my willpower to not write myself into this story. I desperately want to take the pen out of my Father's hand to write my name on the pages of this story. I want to be a part of it because I know it's going to be a great one.

But God is right, of course. This battle is not mine to fight. This story is not mine. I have a bigger battle waiting for me on the horizon, a huge mountain looming in the distance.

It's name is support raising.

As a missionary, I am required to raise my own salary. This didn't sound so appealing to me when I first heard it, but I have accepted it and even grown to be excited about it. I know this is simply the way that God has chosen to provide for me, just as He would provide for someone who is paid hourly or is salaried.

It is going to be a hard process, but I know there is going to be much fruit in it. It's going to build my faith tremendously because I am going to have to trust God completely to provide for everything. I am not guaranteed anything, and I have to make steps of obedience in response to God's leading. But it's going to be a worthwhile pursuit, and I know my God will come through for me.

It is tempting to want to jump into the more "exciting" story. The story where souls are being fought for and won. The story where God is sweeping across an entire population causing revival to happen. The story that is so great that we, as imperfect beings, can't take credit for it. All the glory has to go to God.

But this is not my story. At least, not yet.

It is my job this semester to walk with God to discover my partners in ministry. The people who are not only going to give to me financially, but also who are going to pray for me and come along beside me in my work. It is the foundation He wants to build in my life before He is ready to use me for other things. And I owe it to Him to be obedient and devote myself completely to this story before I launch myself into another one.

Although this story doesn't have nearly as much action or drama, it is still God's story. And God, being a perfect Author, cannot write a bad story. It is still His perfect will in all circumstances.

So for now, I am going to heed God's call and wait. I am going to be the spectator of a grand tale this semester, but I am so blessed that God is still allowing me watch it happen. You don't always have to be a part of the story for it to be exciting. Sometimes watching it is just as much of a blessing as being in it.

My story this semester is different, but it will still be a battle. It's not the story I was expecting to be a part of, but it will be a grand story all the same. It is still His story after all.

So, support raising, all I have to say to you is this:

Bring it.

I have my God with me. And that is all I need. He is more than enough, and He is always victorious.



Blessings,

Maddie