"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
Romans 5:8 (NASB)
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I want to own up to something.
I've been slacking on my support development. Like, really slacking. I haven't had an appointment in almost two weeks.
Not good, Maddie. Not good at all.
I can give many excuses, but all of them are pitiful. I've been managing my time very poorly. I've allowed the stresses of seminary to overtake my thoughts and my time. I've procrastinated and filled my time with everything other than phone calls. Worst of all, I've allowed fear to cripple me.
The fear doesn't come from not believing God will provide. I believe that He can, He will, and He wants to. I've seen it already, and I'm confident He'll see me through to the end.
No, instead, I fear that I will let God down. I fear that I will not live up to His expectations. I fear that I will not live up to His calling of me. I fear that He will provide, but I won't deserve a penny of it. I fear that I will fail Him.
Somehow, I've racked up all of this fear, and I haven't even started yet.
Go figure.
Satan will make you believe all sorts of things if you aren't careful.
I haven't done anything to raise support for a while. I haven't picked up the phone once or sat in an appointment in weeks. I haven't brainstormed more people to contact, and I haven't been praying as much I should be. I have literally done nothing. My support development has come to a grinding halt.
But even though I have done nothing, God isn't content to let me stay at a standstill. His will is not hindered by my disobedience or my sin. He will accomplish what He needs to accomplish in His timing in spite of me.
That being said, I experienced grace in the most amazing way today.
I checked my email, and do you want to know what I found?
Someone had given me a gift of $1000.
I saw this and cried. I cried for about twenty minutes. I fell on my face before the Lord and simply wept. I was speechless. I hadn't done anything to earn this gift. I had literally done nothing. But there it was staring at me in the face.
$1000.
The crazy thing is that the person who gave was well aware of my poor effort. I had been honest with him about my shortcomings, and he had been honest with me that it was time for me to step it up. It was time for me to manage my time better, to cut out the unnecessary distractions out of my life, to take support development seriously.
And then, unbeknownst to me, he went on to my support page later that day and gave me that gift.
Even though he knew that I had procrastinated, even though he knew that I had managed my time poorly, even though he knew that I was struggling, he gave.
This is grace.
Grace is receiving something you do not deserve. Grace is being given something that you didn't do a single thing to earn. Grace is something that no matter how hard you try, you can't earn.
This is the gospel.
We, in our sin, have earned the wrath of God for our disobedience. We have destroyed this world we live in. We have beaten and destroyed one another. We have wandered far from home and done things to destroy ourselves. Most of all, we have inflicted pain on the Father who so graciously gave us life.
But while we were yet in our sin, Jesus walked to His death. He was beaten, bruised, bloodied, and crucified for us. On that cross, He experienced the eternal wrath of God for all of us. On that cross, he became a curse for us because He was the only One who could take it. He willingly took the punishment we had earned for ourselves to give us unwarranted and undeserved life.
And He gave us this grace not when we were having a good day. It wasn't when we were loving people unconditionally, serving the needy, reading our Bibles, or praying to Him faithfully.
No, Jesus died when we denied Him, mocked Him, spat on His face, and rejected Him. He forgave us as we raised up the hammer to nail Him to the cross. He sacrificed Himself for us as we were crying out for Him to be crucified.
I experienced but a shadow of this today. When I did nothing to earn support, God gave me support.
But even more so, when I least deserved grace, Jesus died to give me grace.
God is going to get me to 100 percent support, and the crazy thing is, I can do absolutely nothing to earn it.
When I am having a good day, He is working to get me there.
When I am having a bad day, He is working to get me there.
No matter what I do, I will get there by grace and grace alone.
I am drowning in grace. I can do nothing but stand in awe of the One who gave everything simply to have me. He loved me when I was His enemy. And He continues to love me when I am at my worst. I can't even begin to explain a love like that.
I am speechless.
But oh, what a wonderful Savior.
Blessings,
Maddie
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