A Year Ago, The Year to Come

January 1, 2013 was a very dark day for me.

I remember it vividly.

I remember being on my knees on the floor of my room. I remember the tears pouring down my face like a rainstorm. I remember hugging myself as I rocked back and forth in a puddle of my tears. I remember feeling my voice cracking as I cried out to God in between my sobs.

A week or so before, I was walking across a stage shaking the hands of professors and administrators as they handed me the piece of paper that I had been working for since I was six years old. My moment had arrived. I had finally become a rosy-eyed college graduate, completely oblivious to the reality waiting for me on the other side of the double doors.

Inevitably, the fearful question hit me.

What now?

I had the diploma. I had reached the end. I hadn't felt led to apply for any particular graduate program, so I hadn't even attempted to do so. I had no idea what I wanted to do for work, so I had no job lined up. I had no plans.

Nada. Zip. Nothing.

What was I doing?

The realization that my life had screeched to a grinding halt hit me like a high speed freighter. It left me paralyzed. For the first time in my life, the next path to take wasn't obvious. All the doors in front of me were locked shut. Even if a door was open, I was too struck by my fear to even move towards it.

So, a year ago, I started the new year at one of the lowest points of my life.

Sobbing, confused, hopeless, I cried out to God, demanding that He give me the "great" plans He had for me. I was a greedy child in the middle of a toy store. All the kids around me had been given incredible plans: careers, graduate schools, plans to travel, mission trips to go on. Where was mine? Where was my story, my adventure?

It didn't come right away. You see, God is not so easily persuaded by my desires, my demands, and my dreams. He gives and withholds as He sees fit.

So I continued to cry for some time. I don't remember when the tears stopped, but before I knew it, the well had run dry. I stopped grieving, looked down, and found in my hands a beautiful purpose. A shiny and precious gift from God. It was not what I expected.

It was far better.

I can't explain to you when or how it happened. I guess it's as my dad always puts it:

"You know, Maddie, God always seems to work in mysterious ways."

His ways really are mysterious, and often, they are also quiet. They come upon you slowly and silently, and it isn't until you back over your shoulder at the storm you passed through that you realize that you are standing in the sunshine.

I started the year set on a path that was dark to me. I was jobless and purposeless without a clue what I was to do or who I was supposed to be. Now, I am walking out on the other side of the inky blackness with a purpose and a calling I never expected.

I am a disillusioned college graduate gone collegiate minister and seminary student.

Who woulda thunk it?

Not me. Never in a million years. But I praise God that He always has better things in store for me than I could ever ask of Him.

This same year that began with tears has ended with purpose. God has reminded me of who I am. I am His lost daughter who He found on the college campus. He chose me out of a sea of over 70,000 students. Out of all of the people He could have chosen, He picked me to call His daughter. As I sat in lectures of hundreds of students and enslaved myself to the pursuit of academia, He plucked me out and adopted me into His family.

It is a blessing that I could never earn. An honor I can barely begin to wrap my mind and heart around. A gift that demands to be shared with others who are just as I once was.

I thought that getting my degree meant that I was done with Arizona State University. I thought that I would move away, perhaps back to California or elsewhere to uncharted territory. I thought that graduating meant moving on to bigger and better things.

But no, I was never meant to leave.

God called me out of the brokenness of ASU, and now, He has called me to return as His ambassador. I know what it is like to be one of the lost, and now, I also know what is like to be a precious child of God because of the redemption bought for me by Christ. I am His vessel for Him to use to reach this lost generation.

I don't know what that will look like, but I also know that God always exceeds my expectations.

I don't know what He might ask me to do, but I also know that He promises to walk with me through every mountain top and every rainstorm.

I don't know if this year will begin with laughter or tears, but I also know that this world is passing away and the new one has already come.

I don't know what 2014 will hold for me, but I also know that regardless of the joy or suffering to come, my God is with me.

He is all I desire for 2014. He is my hope for this year and for every year He allows me to remain here on this earth. I pray that I will fall in love with Him more and more with each new breath that I take.

I don't need resolutions. I don't need goals. I don't need dreams.

I just need Him.



Happy New Year, my dear friends. May you find peace and joy in His presence this coming year. Never forget that He is why we exist. He is the promise. He is our hope.



Many blessings,

Maddie

Wait

There is a way that seems right to man, but its end is the way of death.

Proverbs 14:12

Waiting is hard, especially when you see God moving around you in powerful ways. Why wouldn't you want to jump headfirst into something that has God's hand written all over it? Ministry excites us. Changed lives move us. God's work brings us joy. It's His way of building our faith and willing our hearts to love Him more.

Changed lives are the essence of stories, and each one of us has an untold story in our hearts dying to be told. Every time we hear a story, it inspires us to want to be a part of the next one, whether it be as the protagonist or as a minor character.

The truth is this: we want our lives to be incredible stories, stories that are worth being told, stories that are written by the King of the universe.

Last night, our ministry did nearly a whole semester's worth of planning. We planned our events for the beginning of the school year, our small group locations, our roles, all of it. God is orchestrating all of the details to fall into place perfectly despite our shortcomings.

God has a big plan for our campus this year, and He has blessed each one of us to be a part of it. He is in the process of writing a story of legends. A huge battle is going to be fought at our campus this year, and God is going to be the victor.

Even so, I am struggling. Exciting things are happening all around me, but God's answer to me is to wait.

"I want to help lead a bible study."

Wait.

"Can I help at that event?"

Wait.

"What about this idea...?"

Wait.

God's role for me in this story is not as a major character. I don't even think it's even as a minor character. No, I think God is asking me to do something difficult and to simply be the reader, the spectator, the bystander. He simply wants me to watch the story unfold in front of my eyes.

This is hard.

It is taking every ounce of my willpower to not write myself into this story. I desperately want to take the pen out of my Father's hand to write my name on the pages of this story. I want to be a part of it because I know it's going to be a great one.

But God is right, of course. This battle is not mine to fight. This story is not mine. I have a bigger battle waiting for me on the horizon, a huge mountain looming in the distance.

It's name is support raising.

As a missionary, I am required to raise my own salary. This didn't sound so appealing to me when I first heard it, but I have accepted it and even grown to be excited about it. I know this is simply the way that God has chosen to provide for me, just as He would provide for someone who is paid hourly or is salaried.

It is going to be a hard process, but I know there is going to be much fruit in it. It's going to build my faith tremendously because I am going to have to trust God completely to provide for everything. I am not guaranteed anything, and I have to make steps of obedience in response to God's leading. But it's going to be a worthwhile pursuit, and I know my God will come through for me.

It is tempting to want to jump into the more "exciting" story. The story where souls are being fought for and won. The story where God is sweeping across an entire population causing revival to happen. The story that is so great that we, as imperfect beings, can't take credit for it. All the glory has to go to God.

But this is not my story. At least, not yet.

It is my job this semester to walk with God to discover my partners in ministry. The people who are not only going to give to me financially, but also who are going to pray for me and come along beside me in my work. It is the foundation He wants to build in my life before He is ready to use me for other things. And I owe it to Him to be obedient and devote myself completely to this story before I launch myself into another one.

Although this story doesn't have nearly as much action or drama, it is still God's story. And God, being a perfect Author, cannot write a bad story. It is still His perfect will in all circumstances.

So for now, I am going to heed God's call and wait. I am going to be the spectator of a grand tale this semester, but I am so blessed that God is still allowing me watch it happen. You don't always have to be a part of the story for it to be exciting. Sometimes watching it is just as much of a blessing as being in it.

My story this semester is different, but it will still be a battle. It's not the story I was expecting to be a part of, but it will be a grand story all the same. It is still His story after all.

So, support raising, all I have to say to you is this:

Bring it.

I have my God with me. And that is all I need. He is more than enough, and He is always victorious.



Blessings,

Maddie

An Adventure

I don't have much to say. I mostly just don't like blank space.

I think this feeling was much of the same feeling I was having about my life before now.

All through college, I had no clear vision about what I was going to do with my life. Sure, I bounced from idea to idea, but nothing stuck.

Doctor?

Counselor?

Social worker?

A homeless bum living on the beaches of California?

Yes, that last one had a nice ring to it. 

Even as I was walking across the stage in front of thousands of eyes to receive my diploma, I had no plan, no direction, no story waiting to be told.

My life was an empty book so eager to fill its pages with words, but my Author was strangely silent. I knew that the pen was hovering over my blank pages, but He was hesitating to write a single letter. I started to fear, and I got angry.

"You said if I followed You, you would give me plans. You promised me an adventure. You said that You wanted to use my life for something great. Here I am, ready. What are you waiting for?"

A small voice whispered to me in the silence.

Wait.

"I have been. I have been patient. I've graduated. I have the college degree. That means it's time for life to begin. You promised me greater things that this minimum wage job I'm working."

Not exactly.

"Jeremiah 29:11, 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.' What about that?"

I have already given it to you.

"I'm not seeing what You're seeing."

I promised you Myself. And I have given you Myself. I am all you need.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. The conviction.

I stopped fighting at that point. I stopped talking back to my Father and started to look at things from His perspective. Yes, my life was less than glamorous. I was using my brand new degree to work a part-time minimum wage job at the child care center of a gym. A high-school student was more than qualified to do my job. 

But God had blessed me with a job. Period. And more importantly, He had blessed me with free time to be able to seek Him. The promise was Him.

This past spring, I spent my time working a mere 15 hours a week to earn just enough money to get by. 

But by sacrificing my pride, I gained so much more.

I dove into the Word, and my prayer life exploded.

I had time to go to multiple bible studies, where older believers poured into me and taught me so many things that I can't even begin to name them.

I met with two older women at my church, who chose to invest in my life and desired that I grow to be more like Christ.

I continued serve with the college ministry that had served me for the past year and went deeper with my brothers and sisters in Christ than I ever thought possible.

I served at a kids' camp and a youth camp this summer and prayed with a girl to give her life away to Christ. I saw God use me to the point of exhaustion, and I can confidently say because of my weakness that all of the glory goes to Him.

I fell more in love with children while working at my job. From drooling babies to snotty preteens and everything in between - I fell in love with them all. I learned so much about how to be a mom and just how much I am not ready to be one yet. But I know now that the title "Mommy" will be mine someday.

I moved into an apartment with one of my best friends, and now I am living with a fellow believer for the first time in my life. I can't even begin to tell you what a blessing it is to come home to a like-minded spirit. I loved her before, and I love her so much more now.

Most of all, I fell more in love with Jesus because I finally had time to spend with Him. There were days where I had nothing to do but be with Him. There were other days where I was so busy watching Him work that I couldn't help but worship Him. There were days of laughter, days of tears, days of mountains being moved, and days of silence, but everyday, I was drowning in Him. And I realized that was what I wanted for my life: to drown in Him daily.

When God made me realize that He is the promise, the plan, and the future I was longing for, that was when my life began. I stopped looking for careers where I could bring Him along and started looking for places to join in where He was already at work. And while all of this was happening, He turned my life upside down.

In the midst of this realization, God opened up a position as a campus missionary at the college ministry that He had planted me in my senior year. I couldn't believe it. I was so humbled and amazed that I didn't know what to say. I'm sure God smiled as I became the silent one.

I found the job I desired while not even looking for it, while not even desiring it anymore. 

And I think that's the way that He wanted it to work.

My Father knows me better than I know myself. He knew that I longed for that job more than I longed for Him. He wanted to make sure that my heart was for Him before it was for the work He had in store for me to do. He wanted me to remember that He is the promise. He is the goal. Jesus is the only One worth desiring.

Thanks to Him, my priorities are straight. 

Thanks to Him, I get to reach out to the lost freshman at ASU who are stepping into my old shoes.

Thanks to Him, I will be starting my first year of seminary in a few weeks.

Thanks to Him, I understand that these things are but blessings looming on the sidelines. The real prize is waiting in front of me, and I am running the race towards Him. Jesus.

As I break the silence, these are my words: 

Let the adventure begin.



Blessings,

Maddie