A Year Ago, The Year to Come

January 1, 2013 was a very dark day for me.

I remember it vividly.

I remember being on my knees on the floor of my room. I remember the tears pouring down my face like a rainstorm. I remember hugging myself as I rocked back and forth in a puddle of my tears. I remember feeling my voice cracking as I cried out to God in between my sobs.

A week or so before, I was walking across a stage shaking the hands of professors and administrators as they handed me the piece of paper that I had been working for since I was six years old. My moment had arrived. I had finally become a rosy-eyed college graduate, completely oblivious to the reality waiting for me on the other side of the double doors.

Inevitably, the fearful question hit me.

What now?

I had the diploma. I had reached the end. I hadn't felt led to apply for any particular graduate program, so I hadn't even attempted to do so. I had no idea what I wanted to do for work, so I had no job lined up. I had no plans.

Nada. Zip. Nothing.

What was I doing?

The realization that my life had screeched to a grinding halt hit me like a high speed freighter. It left me paralyzed. For the first time in my life, the next path to take wasn't obvious. All the doors in front of me were locked shut. Even if a door was open, I was too struck by my fear to even move towards it.

So, a year ago, I started the new year at one of the lowest points of my life.

Sobbing, confused, hopeless, I cried out to God, demanding that He give me the "great" plans He had for me. I was a greedy child in the middle of a toy store. All the kids around me had been given incredible plans: careers, graduate schools, plans to travel, mission trips to go on. Where was mine? Where was my story, my adventure?

It didn't come right away. You see, God is not so easily persuaded by my desires, my demands, and my dreams. He gives and withholds as He sees fit.

So I continued to cry for some time. I don't remember when the tears stopped, but before I knew it, the well had run dry. I stopped grieving, looked down, and found in my hands a beautiful purpose. A shiny and precious gift from God. It was not what I expected.

It was far better.

I can't explain to you when or how it happened. I guess it's as my dad always puts it:

"You know, Maddie, God always seems to work in mysterious ways."

His ways really are mysterious, and often, they are also quiet. They come upon you slowly and silently, and it isn't until you back over your shoulder at the storm you passed through that you realize that you are standing in the sunshine.

I started the year set on a path that was dark to me. I was jobless and purposeless without a clue what I was to do or who I was supposed to be. Now, I am walking out on the other side of the inky blackness with a purpose and a calling I never expected.

I am a disillusioned college graduate gone collegiate minister and seminary student.

Who woulda thunk it?

Not me. Never in a million years. But I praise God that He always has better things in store for me than I could ever ask of Him.

This same year that began with tears has ended with purpose. God has reminded me of who I am. I am His lost daughter who He found on the college campus. He chose me out of a sea of over 70,000 students. Out of all of the people He could have chosen, He picked me to call His daughter. As I sat in lectures of hundreds of students and enslaved myself to the pursuit of academia, He plucked me out and adopted me into His family.

It is a blessing that I could never earn. An honor I can barely begin to wrap my mind and heart around. A gift that demands to be shared with others who are just as I once was.

I thought that getting my degree meant that I was done with Arizona State University. I thought that I would move away, perhaps back to California or elsewhere to uncharted territory. I thought that graduating meant moving on to bigger and better things.

But no, I was never meant to leave.

God called me out of the brokenness of ASU, and now, He has called me to return as His ambassador. I know what it is like to be one of the lost, and now, I also know what is like to be a precious child of God because of the redemption bought for me by Christ. I am His vessel for Him to use to reach this lost generation.

I don't know what that will look like, but I also know that God always exceeds my expectations.

I don't know what He might ask me to do, but I also know that He promises to walk with me through every mountain top and every rainstorm.

I don't know if this year will begin with laughter or tears, but I also know that this world is passing away and the new one has already come.

I don't know what 2014 will hold for me, but I also know that regardless of the joy or suffering to come, my God is with me.

He is all I desire for 2014. He is my hope for this year and for every year He allows me to remain here on this earth. I pray that I will fall in love with Him more and more with each new breath that I take.

I don't need resolutions. I don't need goals. I don't need dreams.

I just need Him.



Happy New Year, my dear friends. May you find peace and joy in His presence this coming year. Never forget that He is why we exist. He is the promise. He is our hope.



Many blessings,

Maddie