The Heart of the Matter

The longer I am alive, the more I am understanding that the Christian life is not one of journeying farther but of digging deeper.

When we begin our walk with God, we think that we have so much to learn. So many pages of Scripture to read. So many theological discussions to have. So many different "how-to's" to learn. We spend so much time collecting knowledge that we end up drowning in it.

I'm slowly understanding that there is only one truth. Only one important message for us to hold fast to. The endless applications of this truth only trick us into believing that there is more to learn. But at the end of the day, there is still only the one truth.

This truth is the gospel.

We have all done things to deserve death - a spiritual death - one of eternal separation from God. But Jesus Christ lived the life we could never live and died this death that we all deserve. His substitutionary death paid for our lives. The veil is torn, and nothing can separate us from enjoying a relationship with God both now and forever.

The amazing thing is that Jesus' sacrificial death is a free gift to us all.

This is grace.



Grace is something that I deeply struggle with. I see it revealed to me over and over again in God's Word, and I understand it in my head. I understand it enough to speak it into the lives of those around me, and I understand it enough to be able to show it to them as well.

But I just can't seem to extend it to myself.

The person I was before God called me out of this world was a girl who earned her identity and the love of those around her. I earned my grades in high school. I earned a starter position on the water polo team. I earned my parents love by being a good kid and doing well in school. I earned my friends by doing whatever I needed to do to please them - to get them to like me. Everything in my life was earned.

I was living in a moral economy. Do good, and you'll receive good. Do bad, and good will be stripped from you.

The message that I received from the world was this: love is earned.

But then I encountered Jesus, and He had a very different message to give to me, one that He has not stopped whispering to my heart since the first day I met Him.

He preached to me something that was radical to my soul. He told me that love is not earned, it is given.

Maddie, you can do nothing to deserve My love for you because I have given it to you freely. You have worked for everything in your life, but this is the one thing you never can and never will earn.

This blows my heart and mind, and I can't fully understand it. I feel like it is too good, so good that I can barely get a grasp on it. God loves me. Period. There is no fine print, no strings attached, no exchange rate. It is simply a gift bought for me by Jesus.

I didn't realize how much I was striving to earn God's love until I started this journey of support development. I started this journey believing that if I could just make phone calls and set up appointments that I would get to full support and be on campus full-time in a matter of months.

But I soon found that even the simplest task of making a phone call was too difficult for me. I've had a fear of the phone ever since I was a little girl. My mom would tell me that I could invite a friend over to play if I was brave enough to call them myself. I would dial all the numbers up until the last one, hesitate for a moment, and then quickly hang up. This dialing and hanging up process would go on for hours before I would finally throw in the towel and just settle for being alone than dealing with my fear.

That same fear continued throughout my life and continues today. I thought I would just get over it when starting support raising. But often, I tear up just at the idea of making a single phone call. Forget the fact that I have to make 30 every week. Just the one is enough to send me into a panic.

On top of this, I also found that although I had all the time in the world to raise support, I couldn't will myself to use my time wisely. I dread sitting down to organize my contact list. I dread sitting in front of a phone waiting to be dialed. I dread the mundane administrative tasks that go into support raising.

Netflix is much more fun. Reading a book is much more relaxing. Spending time with the Lord is more important. I'll meet a friend instead of making those phone calls. It is easy to find a long list of things that take precedence over the dreaded phone calls.

I quickly found that my ability was not going to get me fully supported. I could do nothing to earn my wages. My weaknesses and my fears were a stumbling block to my self-righteousness. I could not boast in my efforts because my lack of progress showed that I earned nothing.

For a while, this left me feeling frustrated, and even worse, it left me feeling guilty. I kept saying to myself that I should be able to do this. I should be able to organize my time better. I should be able to dial a phone. I should be able to get to full support. I should be able to do these simple things.

I felt like a horrible person, like a failure. I felt like I was letting people down: my boss, my supervisor, my friends, my mentors, my current supporters. Even worse, I felt like I was letting God down. I felt like I wasn't living up to His calling for my life and that I was failing Him in my inabilities.

As I carried the burden of this guilt, God reached down and reminded me of that single truth once again. In the midst of my guilt and shame, God preached the gospel to me.

I know that you can't do this. But I can.

And you know what I felt in that moment? Not more guilt. Not more shame. Not a greater desire to try harder or be better.

No, I felt freedom.

I felt like I could cease striving. That I could stop working. That I could stop pretending. That I could own up to my imperfections.

Because God is so good, so great, so loving, so incredible. He is all of these things for me.

I am weak, but He is strong. I am flawed, but He is perfect. My effort isn't going to get me to full support - His grace is. Just as my self-righteousness isn't going to save me - His Son is.

God is cleansing me from self-righteousness and self-sufficiency. He is leading me into depths of grace that I didn't even know existed. He is forcing me to be dependent on Him for things that I always thought I could do myself.

This isn't a new truth. It's a deeper layer of the same truth. It's an application of the gospel to another area of my life. I'm realizing that as long as God allows me to remain here on this earth, my life will be nothing but this: endlessly preaching the gospel to myself in every new situation He sets before me.

It keeps me rooted in the one truth. It keeps me remembering why I exist. It reminds me of my hope.

Him.

Jesus.



At the beginning of this journey, I thought that God was going to teach me about how to raise support, how to reach college students, how to do ministry. I thought that support was going to teach me about money, help pay the bills, help challenge others to give.

But as my best friend and roommate wisely put it today, "Support development is about the heart, not the bank account."

This whole journey hasn't been about the ministry or the support development. It has always been about my heart. These things are simply the tools in God's hands that He is using to chisel away at my sin to reveal the masterpiece that is underneath.

God is after my heart. He's after all of our hearts. He is after them to soften them, to change them, to show us just how deep His love is for us.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:14-21

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for the freedom you have purchased for me, for all of us. Let us never stop preaching this good news to ourselves. Thank you for that one truth goes infinitely deep. Instead of drowning in knowledge, let us drown in the gospel.



Many blessings,

Maddie

A Year Ago, The Year to Come

January 1, 2013 was a very dark day for me.

I remember it vividly.

I remember being on my knees on the floor of my room. I remember the tears pouring down my face like a rainstorm. I remember hugging myself as I rocked back and forth in a puddle of my tears. I remember feeling my voice cracking as I cried out to God in between my sobs.

A week or so before, I was walking across a stage shaking the hands of professors and administrators as they handed me the piece of paper that I had been working for since I was six years old. My moment had arrived. I had finally become a rosy-eyed college graduate, completely oblivious to the reality waiting for me on the other side of the double doors.

Inevitably, the fearful question hit me.

What now?

I had the diploma. I had reached the end. I hadn't felt led to apply for any particular graduate program, so I hadn't even attempted to do so. I had no idea what I wanted to do for work, so I had no job lined up. I had no plans.

Nada. Zip. Nothing.

What was I doing?

The realization that my life had screeched to a grinding halt hit me like a high speed freighter. It left me paralyzed. For the first time in my life, the next path to take wasn't obvious. All the doors in front of me were locked shut. Even if a door was open, I was too struck by my fear to even move towards it.

So, a year ago, I started the new year at one of the lowest points of my life.

Sobbing, confused, hopeless, I cried out to God, demanding that He give me the "great" plans He had for me. I was a greedy child in the middle of a toy store. All the kids around me had been given incredible plans: careers, graduate schools, plans to travel, mission trips to go on. Where was mine? Where was my story, my adventure?

It didn't come right away. You see, God is not so easily persuaded by my desires, my demands, and my dreams. He gives and withholds as He sees fit.

So I continued to cry for some time. I don't remember when the tears stopped, but before I knew it, the well had run dry. I stopped grieving, looked down, and found in my hands a beautiful purpose. A shiny and precious gift from God. It was not what I expected.

It was far better.

I can't explain to you when or how it happened. I guess it's as my dad always puts it:

"You know, Maddie, God always seems to work in mysterious ways."

His ways really are mysterious, and often, they are also quiet. They come upon you slowly and silently, and it isn't until you back over your shoulder at the storm you passed through that you realize that you are standing in the sunshine.

I started the year set on a path that was dark to me. I was jobless and purposeless without a clue what I was to do or who I was supposed to be. Now, I am walking out on the other side of the inky blackness with a purpose and a calling I never expected.

I am a disillusioned college graduate gone collegiate minister and seminary student.

Who woulda thunk it?

Not me. Never in a million years. But I praise God that He always has better things in store for me than I could ever ask of Him.

This same year that began with tears has ended with purpose. God has reminded me of who I am. I am His lost daughter who He found on the college campus. He chose me out of a sea of over 70,000 students. Out of all of the people He could have chosen, He picked me to call His daughter. As I sat in lectures of hundreds of students and enslaved myself to the pursuit of academia, He plucked me out and adopted me into His family.

It is a blessing that I could never earn. An honor I can barely begin to wrap my mind and heart around. A gift that demands to be shared with others who are just as I once was.

I thought that getting my degree meant that I was done with Arizona State University. I thought that I would move away, perhaps back to California or elsewhere to uncharted territory. I thought that graduating meant moving on to bigger and better things.

But no, I was never meant to leave.

God called me out of the brokenness of ASU, and now, He has called me to return as His ambassador. I know what it is like to be one of the lost, and now, I also know what is like to be a precious child of God because of the redemption bought for me by Christ. I am His vessel for Him to use to reach this lost generation.

I don't know what that will look like, but I also know that God always exceeds my expectations.

I don't know what He might ask me to do, but I also know that He promises to walk with me through every mountain top and every rainstorm.

I don't know if this year will begin with laughter or tears, but I also know that this world is passing away and the new one has already come.

I don't know what 2014 will hold for me, but I also know that regardless of the joy or suffering to come, my God is with me.

He is all I desire for 2014. He is my hope for this year and for every year He allows me to remain here on this earth. I pray that I will fall in love with Him more and more with each new breath that I take.

I don't need resolutions. I don't need goals. I don't need dreams.

I just need Him.



Happy New Year, my dear friends. May you find peace and joy in His presence this coming year. Never forget that He is why we exist. He is the promise. He is our hope.



Many blessings,

Maddie

Finding Ministry in Support Development

 "And you Philippians yourselves know that in the beginning of the gospel, when I left Macedonia, no church entered into partnership with me in giving and receiving, except you only. Even in Thessalonica you sent me help for my needs once and again. Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that increases your credit."

Philippians 4:15-17

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It has been a very crazy month to say the least.

Balancing support development, seminary, and ministry responsibilities can be tricky, especially for a procrastinator who is still learning the in's and out's of time management. Yet for whatever reason, God believes I can handle it, and I believe that He will never give me more than I can handle. That's the beauty of grace. It gives me room to stumble as I navigate learning to be more like Christ.


Support development, as always, is at the forefront of my radar. As much as I would like to, I cannot avoid it. It is necessary for me to continue to live. It pays my rent, my food, my gas, my bills. It will free me up to be able to devote myself solely to collegiate ministry and to someday be able to be on campus sharing with the gospel with students daily. If this wasn't motivating enough, I have a team of people who personally hold me accountable as I continue to strive for that elusive 105% support mark.

So, in short, I'm locked in. Whether I like it or not, this is the life that God has called me to.

It is tempting to say that support development is a "necessary evil." So many people, even the ones that do it, see it as such. It is seen as nothing more than an obstacle to overcome before you can begin the "real work" of ministry. Once you arrive at full support, then you have made it, then you can begin, then you can start walking out God's call for your life.

Others get wrapped up in the numbers. Support raising pays the bills. Support raising pays for ministry expenses. Support raising pays my salary. Support raising just allows me to survive until God calls me home.

But I think there is danger in viewing support as such. When you view it as an obstacle or a way to pay the bills, you miss out on kingdom work God wants to accomplish. I believe that there is ministry in support raising that we can miss out on if we're not careful.



Paul lived off the gifts he received from the people he ministered to. He was only a "tentmaker" at specific points in his ministry for intentional purposes. Otherwise, he received his wages from those who joyfully wanted to give to him. He believed that "the Lord commanded that those who proclaim the gospel should get their living by the gospel" (1 Corinthians 9:14).

In particular, Paul praises the Philippians for their generosity towards him. But his thankfulness is not for the gifts in of themselves. Paul does not care about the money. He has learned to be content in whatever he has:

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"...for I have learned in whatever situation, I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:11-13

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Paul didn't desire their gifts. It didn't matter if he was full or hungry. It didn't matter if he was out preaching the gospel or writing to churches in prison. In whatever situation, plenty or nothing, praise or persecution, he was content. He learned to be joyful in all circumstances through the power of the cross.

So then why is he thankful? If his concern wasn't wages or gifts, then what was it?

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"Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that increases to your credit."

Philippians 4:17

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He doesn't seek the gift. He seeks the evidence of people growing in their love for the Lord. He seeks the fruit that indicates that true disciples of Jesus Christ are being made. His desire is to see change happen in people's hearts.

Paul is not saying that the Philippians are earning their salvation by giving. Far from it. People are saved by the grace of God through the blood of Jesus Christ. "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God" (Ephesians 2:8). Salvation is never earned. It is given.

But the generosity of the Philippians indicates that their faith is genuine. It is evidence that they are "working out their salvation with fear and trembling" (Philippians 2:12). They were saved by grace, and their works are simply external evidence of an internal heart change.

This is the ministry of support development. When you invite someone to partner with you in your ministry, you challenge them to step out in faith to give beyond what they believe they are able. You encourage them to freely give as they have freely received from God. You give them an opportunity to cultivate a spirit of generosity in their hearts. You give them a chance to invest in God's eternal kingdom. And if they respond, you get to see people change and become more like Christ right before your very eyes.

Jesus sacrificed everything in dying on the cross for us. He gave His life to see ours made new. He did not withhold anything but instead completely poured Himself out to save us from eternal separation from God. In His death, Jesus gave.

Every time you give, you display the gospel. Giving your time, money, gifts, and talents to another is a sacrifice that points to the cross. You sacrifice because Christ sacrificed. You give everything because Christ gave everything. You do not withhold because Christ did not withhold anything from you.

Yes, God has called me to collegiate ministry, and someday, I will be able to do that fully and completely. But as I continue to run the race towards full support, I realize that I have an additional calling, another incredibly important ministry.

God has called me to challenge His children to give. He has called me to encourage His people to live by faith and trust that He will honor their sacrifice. He has called me to remind His people that He is the Provider, and if they trust Him, He will meet all of their needs.

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"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:19

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You would think the Philippians would have written those words to Paul, but the opposite is true. Paul, the one who has needs and lives off the gifts of others, reminds the givers that God will supply their needs. We should always give, even beyond what we believe we are able, because God will provide more than we can ever ask or think. We need to give and discover that God always provides for His children. Always.

Every time I gain a new supporter, I won't rejoice in the gift. I am not near full support, and yet, each month, I have seen God provide for all of my needs. There is no joy in the gifts in of themselves.

Instead, every time I gain a new supporter, I will rejoice in the fruit being produced in that person's life. I will praise God that His people are becoming more like His Son. I will praise Him because genuine disciples of Jesus are being made.

I have already seen this happening in my support team.

The most profound support appointment I have had to date was with a woman from my church. I had no idea what her financial situation was, but I knew that she had kind and cheerful spirit. I chose to call her because she seemed like she would at least say yes to an appointment.

She agreed to meet with me, and as soon as we got talking, we couldn't stop. Our stories resonated with one another. We both grew up with strong Catholic backgrounds, both became believers at older ages, and both have huge hearts for young women to come to know the redeeming love of Christ.

I shared my testimony of coming to know the Lord while in college, and my calling to reach young women who are lost on campus just like I once was. It was then I noticed a shift in the mood of the room. I felt something in her heart start to change.

We reached a point where it was finally time for me to make the ask, to see if she would want to partner with me in the my ministry to lost women at ASU. And as I asked, tears started to pour down her face.

It was then that I learned that she was currently living off of disability, and recently, the money being sent to her had been dramatically reduced. She was living off the bare minimum to survive. In fact, she had just had to ask her parents pay for her electricity because the checks were not enough to cover all of her expenses.

"But I believe in what you are doing, Madison," she said, tears still welling up in her eyes. "I wonder how things would have been different for me if someone like you had been reaching out to me when I was in college. I know it's not much, but I would like to support you at $10 a month."

My heart broke. Here is a woman who has very little, but God's work in my life stirred her heart and challenged her to sacrificially give to see His kingdom come. I saw the fruit of her faith ripen in front of my very eyes. Seeing that fruit grow was the greatest gift I could have received.

This is why I raise support. I get to watch people grow before my very eyes. I get to watch as people step out in faith to give as I step out in faith to ask. I get to watch as disciples are born and made - both on campus and on my support team.

This is the ministry of support development: discipleship.

It is hard work, yes. But every time a soul gives their life to Christ, every time people choose God over sin, every time a person steps out in faith to give, every time fruit is produced, we are but one step closer to God's kingdom coming.

And I would say, that makes it all worth it.

Blessings,

Maddie